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by Jay Manila

How screwed can you be?

I often ask myself that question.
Maybe in a scale of one to ten,
I am probably in 20.

Countless times
I tried to rebuild myself.

Countless times
I failed.

There are people
who I thought I can count on
some stayed
some left

Now there’s none.

As one storm diminished,
another enters my life.

The cycle goes on.
I want it to stop.
I want everything to stop.

How screwed am I? You ask.

I don’t know.
I don’t even know why I ended up like this.

2/13/17 📷



Brain fried


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“Your brain fills the upper part of your bony head, which is called the skull.” –

Often times, I feel tortured when dealing with people who knows where their brain is located, but does not seem to like using it. Maybe it is just that I have limited tolerance towards the said people.

When talking with or hearing them talk (well, I am just forced to), I really want to shout or even just ask them: “Where is your brain?”

or better:

“Why are not you using it?”

My general feeling: brain fried.

Welcome to my own personal hell.



Nasanay Lang


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ni Philipp James A. Manila (bibliophilipp)
“Kaya mo yan, ikaw pa ba?”
Yan ang lagi mong sambit sa akin
kapag ako’y malungkot, panay problema,
o kung nawawalan ng pag-asa.
Kilala mo ako.
Kilala mo ang buo kong pagkatao
na kahit marami mang bagay sakin ang di perpekto, o di husto,
ay pinakita mong mahalaga ako sayo.
Kaya, ako ay naniwala
na ikaw ay nariyan at hindi ako iiwan,
na hindi ka gaya ng iba,
na hindi mo ako sasaktan tulad nila.
Ako’y nagkamali.
Isang araw, di ko alam kung bakit.
ako’y iyong pinagtabuyan,
subukan ko mang sayo’y lumapit,
pilit mo pa akong nilayuan.
Ang sabi mo:
“Di kita mahal.
Nasanay lang tayo sa isa’t isa,
Ngunit hindi ibigsabihin noon ay mahal kita.”
Pero Mahal,
paano naman ako?
Paano naman yung pag-ibig ko para sayo?
Paano tayo?
Wala na ba talagang tayo?
Siguro nga ako lamang ay nabulagan,
umasa sa taong hindi nararapat,
napaniwala, umibig, nabigo,
Bakit ba laging ganto?
At ngayon ako’y mag-isa, gaya ng dati,
walang magawa kundi ipaintindi sa sarili,
na hindi na magdadampi ang ating mga labi,
na wala na ang iyong yakap, at ang iyong ngiti.
Mahal, ang tangi kong maipapangako,
kapag muli kitang nakita
masasabi kong ayos na ako,
at hilom na ang iniwan mong sugat sa aking puso.
Sa katotohanang hindi mo na ako mahal?
Wag kang mag-alala, balang araw, masasanay din ako.
– November 23, 2016

A Question that Boggles My Mind


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What is being human without acting like one?

As I grow old, I have been subject to certain types of abuse. I was bullied in grade school (and sometimes humiliated because I was not good enough). In my teenage years, I have known what is it like to be alone or to be left out. Fast forward, I have known people that in spite of their background and whatever goodwill I showed them, still chose to wrong me or even judge me.

And because of this, I came up to a conclusion (which you may find debatable).


Why? Well, try to remember those people who wronged you. Did you trust them once? Most likely. Did you ever expect that they would do such malefic actions to you? Maybe yes, maybe no. Have they shown regret towards what they have done to you? Most likely no.

You see, the problem with some of us is that we never reflect on the things that we have done and what we are doing. Most of us do not like to admit our fault. We may or do not have the balls to do that.

Especially those who are just “plain evil”. Instead of owning up to their crap they would rather point fingers or even machinate just so that they would appear innocent. Again – NO BALLS to own up to their fault – WICKED as they can get.

Among all these, they would like to call themselves “human”. BEST. JOKE. EVER.

Now, I find myself not surprised if someone mistreats another. What shocks me now is when an individual shows kindness. This is because: 1. It is really a rare thing nowadays. 2. I cannot help but doubt because like others, they may have vested interest.

What is being human without acting like one? What is being human without being humane? What is being human when you are being hurtful with intent of damaging people?

I honestly do not know how to start answering these questions.

Maybe it goes like this – as there are wolves in sheep’s clothing, so are beasts wearing human flesh.  Maybe we should just put it this way.

So what’s in it for us victims of or witnesses to these people? I think it is enough that we are not like them. Moreover, it should be our goal to avoid being like them.

In the end, our actions will be reciprocated by fate and karma. They choose no one. They will make sure that every vile action is well repayed. And as the tree (along with its fruits) is larger than the seed, so is the recompense of all evil deeds to its doer.


Goodbye 2014


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Happy New Year 2015

This year have been a bit challenging. There are moments of disappointments and frustrations. But, the important thing is I have lessons which I will surely keep.


On Friendship:
I do not have to be a recluse after all. I have learned that though I had friends who I grown out of , I have friends which I can count on. They taught me these things:
1. It is okay to commit mistakes.
2. Let go of petty and negative feelings.
3. There are people who love me, and will help me at my lowest moments.

On family
No matter what happens, your family knows what is best for you. They are the ones who will defend you. And they did this recently (I won’t give more details )
I love them.

On Faith
“… sharing a common interest does not guarantee reciprocated goodwill.” -p.j.m.
I regret trusting several people this year. I even made a major decision because of the confidence I had to certain people, whom I shared the same belief with. I was wrong.
On the upside, there are still those individuals who stood up to their faith, prayed, and encouraged me.
1. Religious or not, the goodness of a person is yet to be proven.
2. It is okay to doubt and question as long as you know what you are stand is.
3. Like the prodigal son, though I have gone astray (many times), God is still willing to welcome, embrace, and to fix me.

On Love
I have met someone who I liked (Yes, people I am human xD). Though I had feelings for the said person, I did not court her. Sometimes, I feel sorry about it. But, the truths is I have a lot of growing up to do. I have to wait.

On my Abilities
I discovered my lack of self confidence have hindered me from improving myself. With practice, my skills were enhanced a bit. I was given a chance to write and sing my heart out.


I am still grateful for everything that happened in 2014, be it good or bad. Life is not supposed to be picture perfect right? So, I will just enjoy it with my family, friends, bffs, and people who supported me.

Scribblings #2 – “Cheated”


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There are many instances where I felt cheated. I watched how people stole what I ought to have. I have seen how several people conspired against me. I know I deserve to get the fruits of what I toiled for.

But looking back, I can say that those things I yearned for are not really worth the effort and such disappointment . Maybe other people needed and helplessly begged for them that the universe took pity and just threw it to their faces.

Knowing and experiencing how I have been treated unfairly gives me enough assurance of who I am – a strong person, perhaps stronger than I perceived. Maybe it is the reason why I have endured such impish machinations from them. With these in my mind, I shall continue in striving for my progress. I will surpass my current self.

-12/26/14, 12:57am